I. Prayer of Hearts

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the first step towards self-realization
an intimate dialogue between
a boy and his tender Heart

Since publishing the origin of ULTRAMASCULINE, I made a promise to make art and write poetry that speaks of our love in a nurturing and positive manner. I took a vow to let go of lacking and tracking down our flaws. I truly believe queerness is the original manifestation of expansion. A deliberate sigh of relief.
A foundation for new grounds; warm and fertile.

Yet it seemed so hard, seeking the light but ignoring the darkness. Throughout my research, it became evident that prior to coming out, it is crucial that one considers and examines shame as an affect that has become intrinsic to gayness, leaving the LGBTQ+ community closeted in fear and self-loathing. This is the source of my darkness: an internalized self-phobia.

As much as it is important to come-out, sometimes it is an act merely directed outwards. As tormented subjects we seek to change the outside, by screaming at it our name. However, we must first take time to reconnect with our inner worlds and create new foundations. Internalized shame tends to lead to very toxic relationships with ones self. By taking time to revisit our past and understand our hurt, we have a chance to mend our Heart and love us more, for we managed to stay true, no matter the struggle. A prayer is a representation of hope. We have always been told who we are and that which we are is bad. We believed and imitated such behaviors.

That has been our darkness. Changing the outside alone will not save us. When you take away social-oppression, self-oppression still exists. But our Hearts are also made of light. We can learn to pray to a source that loves us, even though we were always told we come from hate.

Prayer of Hearts speaks of a Dark Night and the errors of being stigmatized as poison. The boy is lost. Once having come-out, he realizes that there is still a storm reigning inside him. He is still tormented and seeks to understand his hurt by conversing with his Heart. I encourage everyone to sit still in their sorrow and listen within. A practice carried down by our Mothers but interrupted by a Father who seeks logic instead of intuition. But logic implies boundaries, and a queer Heart knows only how to fly beyond them.It is hard, being a reflection of difference, in a world run by stubborn men.But we can listen to our Heart, visit and speak to Her in calmness.
Take a deep breath and risk being vulnerable.

queerness has always been a knowing that
we create not with words
but with our emotional
vibrational relation to this world
therefore our utopia will never be
intellectualized
we are not case studies
we are spirits and songs ❤️♥️

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